2/21/21

Today is my best friend's birthday.  She turned 84 years old.  Due to Covid restrictions, I didn't get to really see her.  I didn't get to touch her hand, give her a hug or kiss her on the cheek.  

Mom and Dad saw each other today for the first time since January 8th.  They had to sit over 6 feet apart, wear masks and couldn't touch each other.  Only one other person was allowed to visit so Kevin was there.  Daniel and I stood across the parking lot and waved at Mom.  

This is the first time Kevin and I have seen Mom in weeks.  Each visit is only 20 minutes.  How is this possible?  How can there be a law keeping me from seeing my own mother?  Yes, I get it....I know.  It doesn't help.    

During the visit, our dear friends, Tommy and Nancy Moore, drove by to show their love and support.  Nancy has been my rock.  I could have never gotten through this without Mrs. Nancy.  She has been there for me throughout my entire life.  

There are still so many questions.  Where will Mom go when she is discharged?  We were told that she needs long term care.  How are we going to keep caring for Dad?  We've been staying with him 24/7 for the past few weeks.  He has fallen 3 times in the past week.  How are we going to pay for all of this?  

I've never been one to ask God "Why me?".  I've always thought, "Why not me?"  Last week I broke down.  I questioned God.  I yelled at God.  I begged God for help.  All I hear is silence.  All I feel is nothing.  I'm so thankful that I serve a God who is big enough to allow me to ask these questions.  I know that God has a plan.  I know that God is carrying me.  I know that God is good.  I'm just weary.  Even with all of the support that I have, I feel alone.  I've barely been to work in the past few weeks.  I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.  

Along with all of the fears and worries listed above I'm grieving.  I'm grieving the life I knew.  I grieve the Mom I knew.  Mom is still physically here but she was changed by the infection.  Her mind does not work like it did just a few weeks ago.  She is so very sweet but she is confused.  She sees things that aren't there.  She is very mixed up.  Dad isn't doing much better.  

I'm stronger than I was when this all started.  I've gotten the wind knocked out of me but I'll be ok.  Through all of this, I still have joy.  Joy that only can come from knowing Jesus.  

Happy Birthday Mom.  I love you more than you could possibly know.