Five years ago, my parents started having a frequent visitor of the feline persuasion.  If you've been around this blog for a while, you might remember "Not my parents cat" or "Fuzzy" as Daniel sometimes called it. 

Several weeks ago,  I noticed that the farm beside my parents' house was vacant.  I did a little spy work on Facebook and found out that they had moved several hours away.  I sent the previous owner a private message and said that I had noticed their house was vacant and that we had inherited one of their cats.  I asked her if the cat was male or female, up to date on vaccinations, and what its name is.  

Drumroll please:  It's a BOY named JERRY.  

Mom would be tickled pink that Dad has a cat!  She loved this little guy.  

Jerry, you're stuck with us now!  

Life

I have long come to the realization that life is short.  I mean, really short.  Yesterday, I felt like I had been gut-punched with grief for my momma.  I miss her so much.  I wish we could go back to a time where she was able to go and do all that she wanted to.  I'd love to travel with Mom.  We'd visit all of the places she said she wanted to see but never did.  I'd hug her as tight as I could and breathe her in.  Oh how I miss her so.  I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll never see her again this side of heaven.    

Three weeks ago, we said goodbye to our Blossom.  It was horrible but she was becoming miserable.  Upon her diagnosis three years ago, the neurologist said we'd have her for about one more year.  We had three.  I've never known a dog with such spirit and fight.  Blossom was such a blessing to our lives and she took a huge part of our hearts with her.  

The week after her death, we had a sweet visitor for several days.  Dori was just what Scott, Balto and I needed to lift our spirits and help our hearts.  Thank you to my friend Miranda for sharing her with us.  

I don't know about you but I am struggling with all of the change in the world.  Between all of the change that the pandemic brought, the wars, gun violence, people being able to "choose" their gender, so much meanness, the influx of people moving into my city and changing it, illness, death - I could go on - I am struggling to make sense of the world we live in.  Not all of the changes have been bad; I do enjoy working remotely at times but I no longer feel like I understand (or like) the world we live in.  Life is hard.  

I'm trying to save my sanity and am trying to cut back on all types of media.  I want to limit my time viewing social media, news media and television/movies; you know, a simpler life.  I am learning to play the drums and am taking private French lessons with an online tutor from France every week.  I need to engage my mind.  I don't believe that we were created to consume so much information all of the time.  I'd love to go back to simpler times.  You will see me around here more often as I am choosing to channel my time and energy into different areas.  

I Miss My Mom

Last night, I dreamed that I saw Mom.  I was shopping in a grocery store when I looked over and there she was.  She looked to be about 60-65 years old, dressed in very stylish clothes and wearing some super cute eyeglasses.  Mom was smiling so brightly at me.  I believe part of me knew that she had been dead but it didn't feel odd to see her there.  We were both so happy to see each other and while we were trying to make our way to each other, the picture started freezing and I woke up.  

I'll never stop missing her.  

I Get it Now

My cousin, Angela, told me that it wouldn't hit me for a couple of months.  I didn't know what she meant.  I know now.  I was so surprised at how "well" I was handling the death of my mom, my best friend.  God was carrying me.  He is still carrying me but I feel like little by little he is allowing the shock to wear off.  We've all heard that grief comes in waves.  It does.  It knocks you off of your feet and tosses you around.  It punches you in the gut.  I'm sobbing as I type these words.  I'm bent but I'm not broken.  Mom taught me too well for that.  She introduced me to Jesus and I will never be broken.  

We had a "nice" Mother's Day.  Rana had to work so ironically there were no "mothers" at our dinner.  I picked up chicken alfredo from Olive Garden and the rest of the family celebrated the day.   I didn't try to go to church.  It was just too hard.  

Daniel has been busy designing a new hot water heater.  

Papaw explained to him why his design would not work.  He helped him work on a different design.  

Scott is still in training to be a Lumberjack.  No tree is safe.  

Mask restrictions have been lifted for those vaccinated in our State so Deanna and I enjoyed a lunch date and a much needed hug.  You may remember Deanna from previous entries.  She and I met in the first grade and have been close ever since.  You know - 20 years ago.  (Ok, maybe longer).  

Deanna is now a breast cancer survivor and has reconstructive surgery this week.  I'm so thankful that God has healed her from cancer and we are ready to put this chapter behind.  It has been a tough year for everyone.  

I cleaned the screened porch this weekend.  This is something I dread every year.  I moved all of the furniture outside, swept, vacuumed and mopped up all of the pollen now that "yellow" season is over. Balto loves spending time on the porch.  

Blossom is still busy exploring in her wheels. 

I lost and found my credit card.  Daniel and I went to Target 9 days ago.  After pumping gas, I put my credit card in my back pocket instead of my wallet.  Several days passed and I realized it was not in my wallet.  I checked all of my pants pockets and couldn't for the life of me figure out where it was.  Long story short, I found my credit card today.  You will never, ever guess where....

I kid you not!  If you look close, you will see my credit card in the dryer vent outside!!!  Apparently, I washed it in my blue jeans and it went through the washing machine, dryer and out the dryer vent to the outside of the house.  How is that even possible???  It is even harder to believe that I even saw it this soon.  I just happened to be using the garden hose which is right under the vent.  I was standing there filling something up and looked right at it!  

Onward to a new work week.  Here's my only prediction:

Ketchup

Since I've been away for so long, I thought I should catch everyone up on how we are doing.  

Scott is busy being Scott.  He finally christened the pizza oven his mom gave him for Christmas.  He had been wanting one for so long and it did not disappoint.  

Currently, he is busy chopping down trees in our back yard.  It started with one tree and has turned out to be around 30 (mostly Cedar trees) so far.  I told him that we were going to need to hire someone to dig up the stumps.  Instead, he built this old-timey stump puller.  

Dad.  Dad has been getting stronger which is good however; he thinks he should be allowed to drive.  He insisted that I make an appointment with his PCP to discuss this further.   He is enjoying spending lots of time with Daniel. 

Daniel is busy being Daniel.  He is still obsessed with light bulbs, capacitors, and all things electricity. 

Kevin and Rana are doing well.  Rana is traveling to Syria to visit family in a few weeks.  Kevin is busy with work, helping to take care of his family, and helping out with Dad.  

Laura is as happy as always.  She still loves to listen to every version of "Wheels on the Bus" that Youtube has to offer.  She still loves Ranch dressing, ice cream, and all things "Baby Shark".  

Blossom is still with us!  She is completely down in the back but she can scoot around the house like nobody's business.  She can also still fly like a rocket across the yard if she sees deer behind the house.  Check out the shoes that Scott bought for her.  

Balto is as sweet (and lazy) as ever.

Not My Parents Cat is still around 85% of the time.  I still don't know its name or if it is a girl or boy.  The real owners told Dad but he forgot.  UGH.  I would like to know!  

Julie.  Julie is doing surprisingly well.  I give all of the credit to God; He is carrying me through all of this.  I have a wonderful support system of family and friends.  My church has been amazing and I have a therapist that I love.  I also have started writing letters to Mom.  No, I don't believe that she can read them; it just helps to put my thoughts into words.  

I keep going through her closet and finding clothes to wear.  I carry her purses and I wear her wedding ring.  I just want to feel close to her.  I want to feel like part of her is with me at all times.  I found a card that she sent me for Christmas.  She signed it:

I had it put on a leather wrap.  I even put it on her wrist in Hospice so that she could wear it too.  

I will carry her with me always.  

Blessed Assurance

So much has happened since my last post.  Mom passed away on March 28th.  It doesn't seem real to me yet.  I will post more about that soon.   

I took this photo on December 28, 2020.  It was the last photo of Mom at home   On January 8th, we called 911 and she never returned home again.  

One of the memories my brother and I share of our childhood is that Mom was constantly singing 2 hymns around our home.  Blessed Assurance and I Love to Tell the Story.  

I plan to continue to live out my life the way Mom taught me.  

"This is my story, this is my song.  Praising my Savior all the day long."  

2/21/21

Today is my best friend's birthday.  She turned 84 years old.  Due to Covid restrictions, I didn't get to really see her.  I didn't get to touch her hand, give her a hug or kiss her on the cheek.  

Mom and Dad saw each other today for the first time since January 8th.  They had to sit over 6 feet apart, wear masks and couldn't touch each other.  Only one other person was allowed to visit so Kevin was there.  Daniel and I stood across the parking lot and waved at Mom.  

This is the first time Kevin and I have seen Mom in weeks.  Each visit is only 20 minutes.  How is this possible?  How can there be a law keeping me from seeing my own mother?  Yes, I get it....I know.  It doesn't help.    

During the visit, our dear friends, Tommy and Nancy Moore, drove by to show their love and support.  Nancy has been my rock.  I could have never gotten through this without Mrs. Nancy.  She has been there for me throughout my entire life.  

There are still so many questions.  Where will Mom go when she is discharged?  We were told that she needs long term care.  How are we going to keep caring for Dad?  We've been staying with him 24/7 for the past few weeks.  He has fallen 3 times in the past week.  How are we going to pay for all of this?  

I've never been one to ask God "Why me?".  I've always thought, "Why not me?"  Last week I broke down.  I questioned God.  I yelled at God.  I begged God for help.  All I hear is silence.  All I feel is nothing.  I'm so thankful that I serve a God who is big enough to allow me to ask these questions.  I know that God has a plan.  I know that God is carrying me.  I know that God is good.  I'm just weary.  Even with all of the support that I have, I feel alone.  I've barely been to work in the past few weeks.  I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.  

Along with all of the fears and worries listed above I'm grieving.  I'm grieving the life I knew.  I grieve the Mom I knew.  Mom is still physically here but she was changed by the infection.  Her mind does not work like it did just a few weeks ago.  She is so very sweet but she is confused.  She sees things that aren't there.  She is very mixed up.  Dad isn't doing much better.  

I'm stronger than I was when this all started.  I've gotten the wind knocked out of me but I'll be ok.  Through all of this, I still have joy.  Joy that only can come from knowing Jesus.  

Happy Birthday Mom.  I love you more than you could possibly know.  

Welcome 2021!

 New Year, Same Me!  Feeling hopeful that Covid infections will get better as the year goes by.....

Let me begin by saying that Mom and Dad made it to the attorney's office on Wednesday.  It wasn't without a little nervousness as they both had a little trouble walking from the car to the office.  Long story short, Kevin and I are now both authorized to handle any situations that may arise regarding healthcare and finances.  This is such a relief to know that we can help make their life easier by taking care of anything they might need.  

My therapist pointed out to me that I've been stuck in  fight or flight" mode due to managing healthcare emergencies with my parents.  On my way home from work Thursday, I received a call from Mom.  She wanted me to come over and check her blood pressure because she was getting a really low reading.  I realized how right my therapist was about "fight or flight" mode.   Unfortunately, Mom's doctor closed his office at Noon on New Year's Eve so I knew I couldn't call him and I did NOT want to go to the ER after our close brush with Covid the week before.  Thankfully, Mom's blood pressure was a little better when I arrived.  I've been checking it every day and so far, so good.  I will get in touch with her doctor on Monday to see if he want to cut back on some of her medication.  I am so looking forward to the holidays being over and doctor's offices being on a regular schedule. 

I had a sort of epiphany today about taking care of my parents.  I didn't choose caregiving, it chose me.  Until now, I have been a reluctant caregiver.  Not because I didn't want to care for my parents but because I was scared.  I've been so afraid of making the wrong decision and I've been afraid of watching them struggle and lose the ability to do things that were once second nature.  There have been at least 3 times  now that I have ignored my Dad's wishes, made him go to the hospital, only to be told by the doctors that if we had waited any longer, he wouldn't have made it.  Once, Dad went to bed and told me he was fine.  I insisted on calling the ambulance and by the time he arrived at the hospital entrance the doctors were shocking his heart.  I've decided to CHOOSE caregiving for my parents.  I want to make their lives as easy as possible.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.  Sure I wish that we had not reached this stage but I can do it.  I will do everything I can to make their lives comfortable and happy.  This doesn't mean that I'm going to do anything differently, I'm just going to better accept that this is where we are.  

Currently, I am studying the book of John.  In my study yesterday, I came across the verse where Jesus says, "I am the light of the world."  (John 8:12a)  As I was meditating on what that meant, the sun came out after 3 1/2 days of solid clouds and rain.  I immediately thought to myself that sunshine represents hope to me.  I then realized that is one of the many things Jesus is to me.  He is the hope of the world.  

While cleaning out my mom's living room closet yesterday, I came across some photos I had never seen before. 

Daniel made a fireplace out of a can.  What you can't see is the tea light inside of the can.  Daniel is always creating.  I document it here so that I can show him someday.  

Here's to a Happy 2021.  I'm sure it won't be easy but may we find joy along the way!  

The Week Between

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day has always felt strange to me.  Christmas is over but things aren't back to "normal".  Update:  This showed up in my Instagram feed this morning.  I guess I'm not the only one who feels discombobulated this week! 

Christmas Eve, I watched our church service on line with my parents. After supper (breakfast) Mom and I drove around in the rain listening to Christmas music and looking at lights.  It was nice.  

I want to be transparent in this blog.  Christmas Day started out very hard for me.  I was in the same funk that I felt on Thanksgiving morning.  I felt very reminded of the fact that things are not the same as they used to be.  The holidays now feel like a measuring stick of how different my parents are.  Mom isn't able to do much to get ready for the day.  She did make deviled eggs but something was a little off with them this year.  Dad sat down with all of us at the table, ate a few bites and went to bed.  He told me that his catheter was hurting him like it did before we went to the hospital last Monday.  We continued on with our meal and opened presents without Dad.  I was unsure whether or not we would be spending Christmas Day at the hospital.  

On a fun note, some of Rana's Muslim friends asked to make Christmas dinner for us.  It was all very good....and different!  I'd tell you what we had but I have no idea what it was called or how to spell it.   Rana told us and it all sounded Greek to me.  There's a joke behind that - I once had to explain that saying to Rana as they clearly don't have it in Syria.  It doesn't work for Rana as she actually does speak a little Greek!  (Kevin made turkey and dressing just in case any of us didn't like the menu.)  

The cat spent the entire day on the couch with us.  

Late that afternoon, Dad was feeling much better.  He told me that his catheter had been blocked but he "fixed" it.  I can't tell you how nervous that makes me.  We have an appointment with his urologist on January 7th.  I don't know if we will make it that long.  He's had 2 more days of feeling better than usual.  He even fried potatoes last night and said they were just like his mother used to make them.   

Daniel loves playing with his buddy.  

It actually snowed for several hours on Christmas morning.  It wasn't enough to stick but it was the first time I ever remember having snow on Christmas.  It was cute but I hope it never happens again.  I like warm weather!  

Mom and Dad celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary on Christmas Eve!  

We are so happy and full of gratitude that we still have Blossom with us this Christmas.  If you had asked me this fall if that was possible, I would have told you there was no way.  She is our Christmas miracle this year.  We are blessed.  

Christmas sure looks different these days.  Here's an old picture of many of my Helms family at Christmas.  I'm going to assume that it was 1990ish.  I'm in the back middle with my cousin, Jason.  My grandmother is in the middle.  Growing up, we always had Christmas Eve with my mom's sister and Christmas Day with Dad's family. I'll never forget those days.  I came from a lot of love.  

Happy week after Christmas!  I'm in the office all week.