Monday morning started off a little rough this week.  Balto was so happy to see me after a long night of sleep that he busted my lip with his nose.  

Things are going well.  Rana arrived home safely from Syria tonight after visiting her mom for a month.  We missed her dearly but we are so thankful she was able to spend time with her family.  Kevin has had his hands full taking care of Laura, Daniel and helping me with Dad all month.  I'm sure no one is more happy that she is home than he is!  Here are a few pictures Rana sent me from her trip.  

Since I am so behind, I missed posting on Father's Day.  It was a really great day.  

After Mom died, I went through her drawers looking to find things to just feel close to her.  I found that Mom had a lot of really fun socks.  I can't believe I never paid attention to this!  I'm finding that wearing her socks is a fun way to feel a part of her with me.  Here are 2 of my favorites so far....

Butterflies.   Whenever I see butterflies now, I think of Mom. 

Sheep.  I wore these socks when I went to the Gynecologist of all places.  My Dr and her assistant couldn't stop talking about how cute they were.  They loved the idea of wearing Mom's socks to feel her with me.  

I found so many cute socks in her drawer.  I also plan on buying fun socks from now on as a fun tribute to Mom.  

Mom's hydrangea has been blooming in all of the colors this year.  I can't remember what color it was when we planted it but it is really showing off.  

How cool is that?  

Walking home after visiting Dad one afternoon, I found this lone mushroom.  Is it just me or do you think a little gnome lives here?  

If you read my blog at all, you know I have struggled with anxiety for my entire life.  I have had my share of counselors and therapists both good and sort of good.  I LOVE my current psychologist and plan on seeing her monthly until the end of time.  Over the years I have developed a phobia of having my blood pressure taken.  Dr K and I have decided to focus on EXPOSURE THERAPY to help me remain calm while I'm faced with the cuff.  I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I'm nervous just typing this.  I want to throw that monitor out the window and close all of the blinds.   The readings I get at home are usually excellent; it's the ones at the doctor's office that raise eyebrows.  White coat syndrome is real.  I'll update you on my journey and we can see if exposure therapy will work for me.  I have my doubts.....

Time Marches On

June 2021.  Can't we just slow time down a little?  I need to catch my breath.  It feels like someone very important fell off of the boat but we just keep moving away.  I'm trying to learn how to navigate life without the most important person in my whole world.  

Dad and I took another trip to the ER last week.  His jaw was hurting so badly that he thought he had broken it in a fall he had taken a few weeks prior.  He was diagnosed with a severely abscessed tooth.  The antibiotic he was prescribed is causing major burning in his esophagus and we need to get the tooth out.  The earliest I can get him in to see an oral surgeon is this Thursday, 7 days after his visit to the ER.  I'm going to try my hardest to get him in to see someone, ANYONE, tomorrow.  We are praying that his infection won't turn into Sepsis as he is now prone to.  Dad takes a blood thinner for his Atrial Fibrillation and that will need to be stopped before any surgery can take place.  

Some highlights (and a few lowlights) from the past couple of weeks:

Dad and I took a tour of some of his childhood memories...

I stepped in a yellow jacket nest.  By day 5 (pictured), the swelling was gone and the redness was starting to go away.  For days I thought the itch would drive me crazy!  Everything is all good now.  

I took over for Mom and visited my Uncle Harold's grave on Memorial Day.  Uncle Harold served in Korea and had actually returned from duty.  He volunteered to go back to the frontline with the Chaplain.  He played guitar for the church services.  Unfortunately, it was during this time that he was killed.  Uncle Harold was never far from Mom's thoughts.  

Firebirds, one of Mom and Dad's most favorite restaurants, gave free meals to Veterans on Memorial Day.  Rana made reservations for the family and we ate out with Dad.  The meal was lovely but it was very apparent that someone important was missing.  Normally, Mom and I would ride in the backseat and I'd take a selfie.  This year, I sat alone. 

I hired a personal trainer.  Crystal has a Doctorate of Physical Therapy.  On top of working full time as a physical therapist, she is a personal trainer as well.  I have a long way to go to get stronger but I'm going to put in the work.  I've had 3 sessions so far and I am feeling optimistic.  

I'm having an echocardiogram on Tuesday to check on my heart. My doctor informed me this week that I need to start doing "vigorous exercise".  Crystal is helping me with that as well.  

Rana is in Syria visiting her family for the month of June.  Meanwhile, Daniel has been spending a lot of nights with Papaw and Laura is busy with her sitter, Taylor.  Kevin has his hands full!  

Scott is still playing lumberjack and cutting down trees.  Blossom and Balto are living their best lives on the couch as I type. 

My eyelids are starting to close on their own.  It is time for bed.  

Goodnight.  

I Get it Now

My cousin, Angela, told me that it wouldn't hit me for a couple of months.  I didn't know what she meant.  I know now.  I was so surprised at how "well" I was handling the death of my mom, my best friend.  God was carrying me.  He is still carrying me but I feel like little by little he is allowing the shock to wear off.  We've all heard that grief comes in waves.  It does.  It knocks you off of your feet and tosses you around.  It punches you in the gut.  I'm sobbing as I type these words.  I'm bent but I'm not broken.  Mom taught me too well for that.  She introduced me to Jesus and I will never be broken.  

We had a "nice" Mother's Day.  Rana had to work so ironically there were no "mothers" at our dinner.  I picked up chicken alfredo from Olive Garden and the rest of the family celebrated the day.   I didn't try to go to church.  It was just too hard.  

Daniel has been busy designing a new hot water heater.  

Papaw explained to him why his design would not work.  He helped him work on a different design.  

Scott is still in training to be a Lumberjack.  No tree is safe.  

Mask restrictions have been lifted for those vaccinated in our State so Deanna and I enjoyed a lunch date and a much needed hug.  You may remember Deanna from previous entries.  She and I met in the first grade and have been close ever since.  You know - 20 years ago.  (Ok, maybe longer).  

Deanna is now a breast cancer survivor and has reconstructive surgery this week.  I'm so thankful that God has healed her from cancer and we are ready to put this chapter behind.  It has been a tough year for everyone.  

I cleaned the screened porch this weekend.  This is something I dread every year.  I moved all of the furniture outside, swept, vacuumed and mopped up all of the pollen now that "yellow" season is over. Balto loves spending time on the porch.  

Blossom is still busy exploring in her wheels. 

I lost and found my credit card.  Daniel and I went to Target 9 days ago.  After pumping gas, I put my credit card in my back pocket instead of my wallet.  Several days passed and I realized it was not in my wallet.  I checked all of my pants pockets and couldn't for the life of me figure out where it was.  Long story short, I found my credit card today.  You will never, ever guess where....

I kid you not!  If you look close, you will see my credit card in the dryer vent outside!!!  Apparently, I washed it in my blue jeans and it went through the washing machine, dryer and out the dryer vent to the outside of the house.  How is that even possible???  It is even harder to believe that I even saw it this soon.  I just happened to be using the garden hose which is right under the vent.  I was standing there filling something up and looked right at it!  

Onward to a new work week.  Here's my only prediction:

Birthday Birthday Birthday Week

Daniel, Dad and Rana all had birthdays this week.  

Daniel turned 12

Dad turned 86

Rana turned....I better not say.   I'll just say that next year she will have a BIG milestone birthday.  

Scott is busy cutting down all of the cedar trees in our backyard.  It started with ONE tree that he wanted to cut down.  I'm pretty sure he is close to 30 by now.  

When Scott gets something on his mind, he goes all in.  Exhibit A:  He now has the uniform.  

Daniel wanted to help...

I am finding so much joy & comfort in wearing Mom's clothes.  For church today, I wore Mom's sweater, 2 rings, a purse and this pair of socks that I found in her drawer.  

Mom always had good taste in clothes.  It's easy for me to say that as there were many times that we showed up wearing the exact same outfit from the Eddie Bauer catalog.  I used to say that I didn't know what it said about me (or her) that I was wearing the same outfit as my 80 year old Mom.  I told a friend today that while my head knows that Mom isn't coming back, I'm sure that my heart still thinks she will be back soon.  There seems to be a part of me that just doesn't get it.  

Dad is dealing with some confusion.  While eating supper Friday night he asked me, "When we went to Monroe (Hospice), did we visit my mom or my wife?" I was so surprised.  I explained to him that it was his wife, MY mom.  I told him that his mom had died around 25 years ago.  He said, "She did?"  I explained some more and when I told him that we had the funeral at her church he asked, "Did I go?"  Dad seems to be fully aware 98% of the time.  Every now and then he will say something that doesn't make sense.  This time, it really floored me.  Once I filled him in on some more of the details, he remembered.  It was a very emotional thing to see him so confused.  This afternoon, he told me story after story about him and his siblings growing up.  I love hearing the stories so much.  

It's 10:00 on Sunday night and I feel like I didn't accomplish very much this weekend.  I need another day.  I'm almost certain that you feel that way too.  Here's to a productive week for all of us! 

Ketchup

Since I've been away for so long, I thought I should catch everyone up on how we are doing.  

Scott is busy being Scott.  He finally christened the pizza oven his mom gave him for Christmas.  He had been wanting one for so long and it did not disappoint.  

Currently, he is busy chopping down trees in our back yard.  It started with one tree and has turned out to be around 30 (mostly Cedar trees) so far.  I told him that we were going to need to hire someone to dig up the stumps.  Instead, he built this old-timey stump puller.  

Dad.  Dad has been getting stronger which is good however; he thinks he should be allowed to drive.  He insisted that I make an appointment with his PCP to discuss this further.   He is enjoying spending lots of time with Daniel. 

Daniel is busy being Daniel.  He is still obsessed with light bulbs, capacitors, and all things electricity. 

Kevin and Rana are doing well.  Rana is traveling to Syria to visit family in a few weeks.  Kevin is busy with work, helping to take care of his family, and helping out with Dad.  

Laura is as happy as always.  She still loves to listen to every version of "Wheels on the Bus" that Youtube has to offer.  She still loves Ranch dressing, ice cream, and all things "Baby Shark".  

Blossom is still with us!  She is completely down in the back but she can scoot around the house like nobody's business.  She can also still fly like a rocket across the yard if she sees deer behind the house.  Check out the shoes that Scott bought for her.  

Balto is as sweet (and lazy) as ever.

Not My Parents Cat is still around 85% of the time.  I still don't know its name or if it is a girl or boy.  The real owners told Dad but he forgot.  UGH.  I would like to know!  

Julie.  Julie is doing surprisingly well.  I give all of the credit to God; He is carrying me through all of this.  I have a wonderful support system of family and friends.  My church has been amazing and I have a therapist that I love.  I also have started writing letters to Mom.  No, I don't believe that she can read them; it just helps to put my thoughts into words.  

I keep going through her closet and finding clothes to wear.  I carry her purses and I wear her wedding ring.  I just want to feel close to her.  I want to feel like part of her is with me at all times.  I found a card that she sent me for Christmas.  She signed it:

I had it put on a leather wrap.  I even put it on her wrist in Hospice so that she could wear it too.  

I will carry her with me always.