My first draft of this post was a long, detailed journey through the hardest 2 weeks of my life.  I couldn't post it; it feels too raw.  Maybe another day.  I just want to say that after 10 days in the hospital with pneumonia, Mom is in a skilled care facility, fighting to get back to herself.  She is very weak, very confused, can't feed herself, can't get out of bed.  Mom has a very long way to go.  

Dad is afraid to stay by himself at night so I'm spending my nights with him.  He is having his own set of health problems which involved a trip to the ER on Wednesday.  I feel sad.  I feel scared.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel held by God.  

On a fun note, Daniel spent the night with me on Saturday.  I didn't get any sleep but it was a much needed distraction.  

Last night, I opened up Mom's Bible and this was sitting on the first page: 

Due to Covid restrictions, we can't see Mom right now.  I pray that she is comfortable, peaceful, and knows that we love her.  

Welcome 2021!

 New Year, Same Me!  Feeling hopeful that Covid infections will get better as the year goes by.....

Let me begin by saying that Mom and Dad made it to the attorney's office on Wednesday.  It wasn't without a little nervousness as they both had a little trouble walking from the car to the office.  Long story short, Kevin and I are now both authorized to handle any situations that may arise regarding healthcare and finances.  This is such a relief to know that we can help make their life easier by taking care of anything they might need.  

My therapist pointed out to me that I've been stuck in  fight or flight" mode due to managing healthcare emergencies with my parents.  On my way home from work Thursday, I received a call from Mom.  She wanted me to come over and check her blood pressure because she was getting a really low reading.  I realized how right my therapist was about "fight or flight" mode.   Unfortunately, Mom's doctor closed his office at Noon on New Year's Eve so I knew I couldn't call him and I did NOT want to go to the ER after our close brush with Covid the week before.  Thankfully, Mom's blood pressure was a little better when I arrived.  I've been checking it every day and so far, so good.  I will get in touch with her doctor on Monday to see if he want to cut back on some of her medication.  I am so looking forward to the holidays being over and doctor's offices being on a regular schedule. 

I had a sort of epiphany today about taking care of my parents.  I didn't choose caregiving, it chose me.  Until now, I have been a reluctant caregiver.  Not because I didn't want to care for my parents but because I was scared.  I've been so afraid of making the wrong decision and I've been afraid of watching them struggle and lose the ability to do things that were once second nature.  There have been at least 3 times  now that I have ignored my Dad's wishes, made him go to the hospital, only to be told by the doctors that if we had waited any longer, he wouldn't have made it.  Once, Dad went to bed and told me he was fine.  I insisted on calling the ambulance and by the time he arrived at the hospital entrance the doctors were shocking his heart.  I've decided to CHOOSE caregiving for my parents.  I want to make their lives as easy as possible.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.  Sure I wish that we had not reached this stage but I can do it.  I will do everything I can to make their lives comfortable and happy.  This doesn't mean that I'm going to do anything differently, I'm just going to better accept that this is where we are.  

Currently, I am studying the book of John.  In my study yesterday, I came across the verse where Jesus says, "I am the light of the world."  (John 8:12a)  As I was meditating on what that meant, the sun came out after 3 1/2 days of solid clouds and rain.  I immediately thought to myself that sunshine represents hope to me.  I then realized that is one of the many things Jesus is to me.  He is the hope of the world.  

While cleaning out my mom's living room closet yesterday, I came across some photos I had never seen before. 

Daniel made a fireplace out of a can.  What you can't see is the tea light inside of the can.  Daniel is always creating.  I document it here so that I can show him someday.  

Here's to a Happy 2021.  I'm sure it won't be easy but may we find joy along the way!  

Hard

If anyone were to come into my office right now, this is what they'd see.  They'd see me, a mess, just hanging on.  I've been on my knees, on the floor of my desk, asking God for help.  

Please note the wiry hair sticking up on top of my head.  I can't get it to settle down! 

Today is hard.  Today, my brother is bringing my parents to my office building to sign POA's and Wills.  I'm sad at what this means.  I'm scared because I don't know how they are going to be able to walk from the car to the attorney's office.  When I went to their house last night, Dad had just woken up from a nap and he was confused.  He thought it was morning.  He seemed out of it all night.  This morning, I stopped by their house on my way to work.  Mom needed help putting out some boxes for the Kidney Foundation. She was breathing very heavily, which is not normal for her inside of the house.  I asked about Dad.  She said he thought it was night.  So....I will need to deal with that as soon as I see him.  Last night, I just assumed it was because he had slept all afternoon.  This morning, who knows?  

I'm having a day.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  Some days I feel like I have it all together.  Some days I fall apart.  I just need to pull it together before our meeting at Noon.  It would not be helpful to my parents if they saw me crying while they signed their Wills.  

The Bible say to "Cast all of your cares on Him because he cares for you".  1 Peter 5:7

I'm casting.....  I'll let you know how it goes 

The Week Between

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day has always felt strange to me.  Christmas is over but things aren't back to "normal".  Update:  This showed up in my Instagram feed this morning.  I guess I'm not the only one who feels discombobulated this week! 

Christmas Eve, I watched our church service on line with my parents. After supper (breakfast) Mom and I drove around in the rain listening to Christmas music and looking at lights.  It was nice.  

I want to be transparent in this blog.  Christmas Day started out very hard for me.  I was in the same funk that I felt on Thanksgiving morning.  I felt very reminded of the fact that things are not the same as they used to be.  The holidays now feel like a measuring stick of how different my parents are.  Mom isn't able to do much to get ready for the day.  She did make deviled eggs but something was a little off with them this year.  Dad sat down with all of us at the table, ate a few bites and went to bed.  He told me that his catheter was hurting him like it did before we went to the hospital last Monday.  We continued on with our meal and opened presents without Dad.  I was unsure whether or not we would be spending Christmas Day at the hospital.  

On a fun note, some of Rana's Muslim friends asked to make Christmas dinner for us.  It was all very good....and different!  I'd tell you what we had but I have no idea what it was called or how to spell it.   Rana told us and it all sounded Greek to me.  There's a joke behind that - I once had to explain that saying to Rana as they clearly don't have it in Syria.  It doesn't work for Rana as she actually does speak a little Greek!  (Kevin made turkey and dressing just in case any of us didn't like the menu.)  

The cat spent the entire day on the couch with us.  

Late that afternoon, Dad was feeling much better.  He told me that his catheter had been blocked but he "fixed" it.  I can't tell you how nervous that makes me.  We have an appointment with his urologist on January 7th.  I don't know if we will make it that long.  He's had 2 more days of feeling better than usual.  He even fried potatoes last night and said they were just like his mother used to make them.   

Daniel loves playing with his buddy.  

It actually snowed for several hours on Christmas morning.  It wasn't enough to stick but it was the first time I ever remember having snow on Christmas.  It was cute but I hope it never happens again.  I like warm weather!  

Mom and Dad celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary on Christmas Eve!  

We are so happy and full of gratitude that we still have Blossom with us this Christmas.  If you had asked me this fall if that was possible, I would have told you there was no way.  She is our Christmas miracle this year.  We are blessed.  

Christmas sure looks different these days.  Here's an old picture of many of my Helms family at Christmas.  I'm going to assume that it was 1990ish.  I'm in the back middle with my cousin, Jason.  My grandmother is in the middle.  Growing up, we always had Christmas Eve with my mom's sister and Christmas Day with Dad's family. I'll never forget those days.  I came from a lot of love.  

Happy week after Christmas!  I'm in the office all week.  

Almost Christmas!

Christmas is almost here.  I hear so many saying that it "just doesn't feel like Christmas this year".  Maybe....but I think it feels more special.  Gone are the busy schedules and the "have to do" lists.  This year it feels like a true "Silent Night".  It's about Jesus.  God came to earth as a baby to rescue us from sin.  

Here's a throwback to 2 of my favorite Christmas pictures: 

1.  Sadie with Santa Claus

2.  Greta Claus.  Bless her; she hated that outfit. 

Oh how I miss Sadie and Greta.  I'm thankful for photos. 

Waxhaw had a "reverse Christmas parade" this year.  I don't really know what that means but here's a picture of Daniel in his outfit. 

All of a sudden, Dad has started making fried potatoes.  Surprisingly, they are really good!  They wouldn't win any healthy eating awards but they sure are tasty.  Maybe he has finally found a new hobby....cooking.  

Check out this picture I took of mom's walker.  As you can see, she is carrying around a bag of M&M's in her basket.  Mom has a real sweet tooth and it keeps getting sweeter by the day!

Not Mom's Cat is moving.  We don't know the day.  Dad went to the owner and asked him if they would consider leaving the cat with them (since it lives at their house).  The owner said, "No" and that they loved the cat because it "isn't any trouble".  Yes, hard to be trouble when you live at someone else's house.  There were many tears shed when Daniel found out.  Mom was very upset as well.  This cat has been a part of the family for over 3 years.  The neighbors have already moved but their horse barn is staying.  There is a rather popular riding school there and the new owners are planning to keep it going.  Every day I wonder if it is the last day I will see this cat.  My heart breaks for Mom as it has become a real friend to her.  Here's a picture of Mom and the cat watching Wheel of Fortune last week.  

Last week was my busiest work week of the year.  I had so much work to do for the end of the year.  I planned ahead and brought my neck massager with me.  

Last night I went to Mom and Dad's and found Dad in a lot of pain.  His leg bag was empty and had been for hours.  I told him that was a medical emergency and we had to go to the ER.  Unfortunately, due to Covid, I had to spend the first 3 hours in my car while Dad sat alone in the waiting room.  Someone was supposed to call me and let me know what was going on (Dad doesn't have a cell phone).  Thankfully, my Aunt Zell called and spoke to someone who told her that Dad was in a triage room and to go to the door and they would let me in.  I'm so thankful for Aunt Zell's help.  

I was let inside around 11:00 pm.  Thankfully, Dad's catheter was stopped up and was an easy fix.  Once they put a new catheter in he felt immediate relief and was asleep within 15 minutes.  

Thankful and tired, I was at home on my couch at 1:00 a.m.  6 hours later.  

December Is Here

I forgot to post this one so here goes...

Today is the first day of December and I feel hopeful.  As I am typing this blog, there is a press conference on TV from the Governor of North Carolina.  I am so hopeful that these new vaccines will bring a little relief to our front line workers and our Nursing Home residents.  It has been almost a year since Mom has seen her sister, Ruby, who lives in an assisted living center.  The same goes for my dad who hasn't seen his brother, Skee.  I feel so hopeful that my parents will be able to get vaccinated soon.  I know that a vaccine doesn't guarantee safety; however, I feel like it will give them a little bit of a fighting chance.  

We enjoyed a really nice Thanksgiving.  Scott and I brought the turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce (out of the can like Mom likes), biscuits, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole.  Mom made deviled eggs and lima beans.  Kevin made macaroni and cheese, more mashed potatoes and a different kind of dressing.  

Check this out! 

This is a white chocolate raspberry bundt cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes.  My Uncle Coy and Aunt Zell gave it to me for Thanksgiving.  Isn't is amazing????  I can't tell you how good it tasted.  I also can't tell you how much it meant to me that my Uncle Coy and Aunt Zell thought of me in this way.  I will never forget it.  

Here's the big news of the day...

A caregiver came today for my mom and dad.  I was so nervous as I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.  There is a 4 hour minimum and we just really don't have the money right now.  I am taking a leap of faith and hiring her for 2 days per week.  Hopefully, we will eventually be able to afford more days.  

The Home Health company was recommended to me by the social worker in my building.  We had the initial evaluation 3 weeks ago and it was so very sad.  It was incredibly difficult talking about the kind of help my parents need in front of them.  Mom just looked so very sad.  After the owner and the nurse left, I told Mom that she seemed sad.  She told me that it was very hard for her to accept help.  My heart broke.  Was I doing the right thing?  Is it the right time?  Is this the right agency?  How are we going to pay for this?  I prayed.  The agency called and said that a lady named "Willette" would be coming on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 am to 2 pm.  Willette who?  Who is this person I am bringing into my parents lives?  Is she nice?  Is she safe?  Is she honest?  How will Mom and Dad accept her?  

Today my fears were laid to rest.  Willette is a lovely women who I could imagine becoming a part of the family.  Much to my surprise, Dad knew her husband's family. Actually, he not only knew them, he grew up next door to them.  Dad recited names and Willette told him what had happened to them.   Today was the perfect day for Willette to come.  Dad was supposed to go to the urologist but due to weaknesses and falling, Mom had to cancel the appointment.  We go to 2 doctor appointments tomorrow.  I feel like I live at a doctor's office.  I know that Mom was so glad Willette was with her in case Dad were to fall.  God is so good.  

Update: 

Wednesday (the day after I wrote this post) I took Dad to a doctor appointment.  I asked them to check him for a UTI since he was falling again.  Well....I was right....another UTI.  He's home and taking antibiotics so we are praying that he will stay out of the hospital this time.  

I have sad news.  Not Mom's Cat is moving. Mom and Daniel are crushed.  Oh the tears that were shed.    Daniel had spent Friday working on the cat house that he is building for it.  I'm sad too but I think that I don't believe it yet.  Dad asked the owner if they could have the cat and he said "No".  He told Dad that they love their cats because they aren't any problem.  Um no, they are always at Mom and Dad's house.  

I took this photo today.  It was on a bench inside their house: 

The neighbor did tell Dad that if the cat wasn't there when they left they weren't going to wait around on it.  

I'll keep you posted.