Dad FINALLY received his first Covid19 vaccine. He had been scheduled two other times and both times we wound up canceling due to hospital visits. I was a little scared to make another appointment!
Today is my best friend's birthday. She turned 84 years old. Due to Covid restrictions, I didn't get to really see her. I didn't get to touch her hand, give her a hug or kiss her on the cheek.
Mom and Dad saw each other today for the first time since January 8th. They had to sit over 6 feet apart, wear masks and couldn't touch each other. Only one other person was allowed to visit so Kevin was there. Daniel and I stood across the parking lot and waved at Mom.
This is the first time Kevin and I have seen Mom in weeks. Each visit is only 20 minutes. How is this possible? How can there be a law keeping me from seeing my own mother? Yes, I get it....I know. It doesn't help.
During the visit, our dear friends, Tommy and Nancy Moore, drove by to show their love and support. Nancy has been my rock. I could have never gotten through this without Mrs. Nancy. She has been there for me throughout my entire life.
There are still so many questions. Where will Mom go when she is discharged? We were told that she needs long term care. How are we going to keep caring for Dad? We've been staying with him 24/7 for the past few weeks. He has fallen 3 times in the past week. How are we going to pay for all of this?
I've never been one to ask God "Why me?". I've always thought, "Why not me?" Last week I broke down. I questioned God. I yelled at God. I begged God for help. All I hear is silence. All I feel is nothing. I'm so thankful that I serve a God who is big enough to allow me to ask these questions. I know that God has a plan. I know that God is carrying me. I know that God is good. I'm just weary. Even with all of the support that I have, I feel alone. I've barely been to work in the past few weeks. I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.
Along with all of the fears and worries listed above I'm grieving. I'm grieving the life I knew. I grieve the Mom I knew. Mom is still physically here but she was changed by the infection. Her mind does not work like it did just a few weeks ago. She is so very sweet but she is confused. She sees things that aren't there. She is very mixed up. Dad isn't doing much better.
I'm stronger than I was when this all started. I've gotten the wind knocked out of me but I'll be ok. Through all of this, I still have joy. Joy that only can come from knowing Jesus.
Happy Birthday Mom. I love you more than you could possibly know.
Today is Day 1 of Week 5. So much has happened since my last post. 8 days ago I came home (Mom and Dads' house) after work to find Dad in bed. I decided to lie down beside him. Minutes after I took this photo, he woke up. He said in a very happy voice, "Hey Julie!" I asked him how he was. He replied, "I'm doing pretty good". He asked me if I was going to church that night (Hmmmm) and then he wanted to know when I was supposed to sing my solo in the cantata. Ugh. If you know me, you know that would never happen. That's when I said, "Dad, we gotta go to the hospital". I had been warned by several nurses that from now on, if Dad is confused, we are to take him to the emergency room.
I originally titled this post "My Nightmare Continues"; however, I didn't think that was appropriate. I can't go into the story right now as it is still too raw and I don't want to relive it. Mom is in a skilled nursing facility and we aren't allowed to visit. So far, we have only been able to FaceTime with her once for 5 minutes. She looked better; however, she was still lost. I have had a horrible time getting any information about her condition. No one answers the main phone and when I did get through to someone, she was rude. The only reason I got any information at all was because I started sobbing from frustration.
I'm still spending nights at Dad's house although I hope to slow that down this week. Daniel stayed over the weekend again and had the time of his life. I'm pretty sure he didn't go to sleep until morning both days. I am so thankful for sleeping in my own bed for 2 nights.
My first draft of this post was a long, detailed journey through the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I couldn't post it; it feels too raw. Maybe another day. I just want to say that after 10 days in the hospital with pneumonia, Mom is in a skilled care facility, fighting to get back to herself. She is very weak, very confused, can't feed herself, can't get out of bed. Mom has a very long way to go.
Dad is afraid to stay by himself at night so I'm spending my nights with him. He is having his own set of health problems which involved a trip to the ER on Wednesday. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed. I feel held by God.
On a fun note, Daniel spent the night with me on Saturday. I didn't get any sleep but it was a much needed distraction.
New Year, Same Me! Feeling hopeful that Covid infections will get better as the year goes by.....
Let me begin by saying that Mom and Dad made it to the attorney's office on Wednesday. It wasn't without a little nervousness as they both had a little trouble walking from the car to the office. Long story short, Kevin and I are now both authorized to handle any situations that may arise regarding healthcare and finances. This is such a relief to know that we can help make their life easier by taking care of anything they might need.
My therapist pointed out to me that I've been stuck in fight or flight" mode due to managing healthcare emergencies with my parents. On my way home from work Thursday, I received a call from Mom. She wanted me to come over and check her blood pressure because she was getting a really low reading. I realized how right my therapist was about "fight or flight" mode. Unfortunately, Mom's doctor closed his office at Noon on New Year's Eve so I knew I couldn't call him and I did NOT want to go to the ER after our close brush with Covid the week before. Thankfully, Mom's blood pressure was a little better when I arrived. I've been checking it every day and so far, so good. I will get in touch with her doctor on Monday to see if he want to cut back on some of her medication. I am so looking forward to the holidays being over and doctor's offices being on a regular schedule.
I had a sort of epiphany today about taking care of my parents. I didn't choose caregiving, it chose me. Until now, I have been a reluctant caregiver. Not because I didn't want to care for my parents but because I was scared. I've been so afraid of making the wrong decision and I've been afraid of watching them struggle and lose the ability to do things that were once second nature. There have been at least 3 times now that I have ignored my Dad's wishes, made him go to the hospital, only to be told by the doctors that if we had waited any longer, he wouldn't have made it. Once, Dad went to bed and told me he was fine. I insisted on calling the ambulance and by the time he arrived at the hospital entrance the doctors were shocking his heart. I've decided to CHOOSE caregiving for my parents. I want to make their lives as easy as possible. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Sure I wish that we had not reached this stage but I can do it. I will do everything I can to make their lives comfortable and happy. This doesn't mean that I'm going to do anything differently, I'm just going to better accept that this is where we are.
Currently, I am studying the book of John. In my study yesterday, I came across the verse where Jesus says, "I am the light of the world." (John 8:12a) As I was meditating on what that meant, the sun came out after 3 1/2 days of solid clouds and rain. I immediately thought to myself that sunshine represents hope to me. I then realized that is one of the many things Jesus is to me. He is the hope of the world.
While cleaning out my mom's living room closet yesterday, I came across some photos I had never seen before.
Daniel made a fireplace out of a can. What you can't see is the tea light inside of the can. Daniel is always creating. I document it here so that I can show him someday.
