2:00 A.M.

It's 2:00 a.m. and I just got home from the ER.  

I went to visit my parents tonight, like I always do.  I told Dad that I wanted to take an EKG so we could have another one on file for our visit to the Cardiologist next Wednesday.  That is the day he is going to see an EP who will decide if he needs a pacemaker or a cardiac ablation.  ANYWAY, the EKG came out good but it said his pulse was 33.  Thirty-three!  His doctor had told us once before that he didn't want it going under 50.  

I pulled out the oximeter and while his oxygen was good, his pulse was still reading very low.  One time it even read 25.  I called his cardiologist's office to ask what we needed to do.  I was told to bring him to the ER.  Immediately, my fight or flight system reminded my gut that I was scared and I lost my supper.  It's what I do every time I have to go to the ER.  How dumb is that?  

Dad seemed to be feeling well.  His only issue was that when he stood up he was very weak.  Dad, Mom & I drove to the ER at 9:00ish and he was immediately sent to triage.  The waiting room was very crowded and I just wanted to go stand outside in the outside air.  Thank God for Xanax because I was very calm by the time we arrived.  I even talked my mom into taking a half of a Xanax because I knew she was covering a lot of nervousness herself.  

Dad was given an exam along with an EKG, some blood tests and then was sent back out to the waiting area with the rest of the sick people in South Charlotte.  Long story short, we did the right thing by bringing Dad in.  We were told that as long as his heart rate is under 50, he is not to take his blood pressure medicine.  The Dr also said that if his blood pressure is good (which it was) then his heart is pumping fast enough to carry the blood/oxygen around his body.  We were given some examples of when we should call 911.  I am to follow up in the morning with his Cardiologist to try to get an appointment sooner than a week from his previously scheduled appointment on the 8th.  

I feel so many emotions right now.  For one,  I am so relieved and thankful that we are home and things seem to be stable right now.  I am thankful that my Dad was being himself and cracking his "Dad jokes" to all of the nurses.  I am reminded that I need to spend more time in therapy dealing with my automatic fearful thoughts.  I know in my head that God is with me and will give me the strength I need when I need it.  I just am not sure how to tell that to my heart when I'm in the depths of fear.   I am sending myself scary messages but, I just need to figure out what they are.  

It is now exactly 2:30 a.m. and I can barely keep my eyes open.  If my post doesn't make sense, please forgive me.